Missing Family Milestones while Away at College (or Elsewhere)
So far, we’ve been lucky about being able to celebrate most of our happy family milestones when our twins are home for college. Their birthday is in December, during Christmas break. Dad’s birthday is in July, in the middle of summer. Mine (Mom) is in May, after they get out of school for summer. But this year, one of my daughters will be away, working at a summer camp, on my birthday. And it’s a milestone, for me anyway – I’m hitting 55 years old this year.
We also are facing an aging pet in our home, who is struggling right now. So, we know there will be missed milestones ahead in our daughters’ journeys to independent adulthood. We’re challenged with how to handle these milestones when our daughters are far from home.
I know it seems obvious, but in our family, communication is key. Without open communication, our daughters feel separated from the family unit. We experienced this firsthand several years ago when one of our dogs was diagnosed with cancer when our ninth-grade daughters were at a week-long school retreat. Our dog’s prognosis was good for the foreseeable future, so we made the choice not to share the news with our daughters over the phone. Instead, we waited until they returned from the retreat. For our family, it was not the right decision. It’s a decision Dad and I will never live down. And one we will never make the mistake of repeating.
But let’s get back to the positive, more fun milestones. What we decided long ago was that it wasn’t always necessary to celebrate the event on the specific event date, as long as we celebrate it in some way as soon as possible after the missed event. My birthday may be celebrated early this year, but we will not let it pass without celebrating together in some way.
The challenge grows as you have multiple children moving away to college or joining the workforce in another city. One of our daughters is relatively nearby in Austin, Texas, while her sister is all the way in Birmingham, Alabama, adding another layer to the difficulty in planning something when the whole family can be together.
Here are some ways to make the missed milestone a bit easier to swallow:
· Facetime is a godsend. If you have a family event that one or more of your children can’t attend in person, conference them in, so everyone feels involved.
· As I said earlier, don’t get stuck on celebrating every milestone on the specific date it occurs. If you’re all going to be together weeks later, just put off the celebration until that date.
· If the date is set and can’t be shifted, make sure to take a lot of photos and text them to your child. Let them feel as involved as possible.
· At last, remember that every person has their own path. A milestone that is important to you may not be as important to them. They may not consider it a big deal that they’re missing it. Here’s where that open communication comes in – if it is important to you, make sure they know. They can’t address what they don’t know. Don’t just assume they realize how important it is to you, tell them how important it is to you so they can hopefully participate at some level.
This reminds me of our I Miss Your Face box. It’s a simple box with a mug that says “I Miss Your Face,” smiley face gumballs, face masks, smiley face stress ball, and more “face” related items. If your student is feeling upset about missing a milestone event, send them a little box ahead of time to let them know you’ll be missing them too, but that you also understand the absence.
Here’s an article that discusses communication strategies with your college student. It’s long, but has some great advice. https://bau.edu/blog/communicating-with-your-college-student/
As our students get closer to college graduation and transition into their field of work, missing milestones may happen more often. And visits certainly will change when your kids have families of their own. Just remember – communication is key. Keep those communication lines open so both your student’s and your own expectations are known.